Insert Victorian Age Slash Here
by Isis the Sphinx
Summary: ACMSES fic. WARNING: Complete and total crack. Meant to be a parody. Agents Rhia and Miri enter the Sherlock Holmes 2009 'verse to combat a Sue is just a bit more twisted than normal. While they're on a caffine/sugar high. Rated T. Season 2 story.


If you don't know what the Anti-Cliche and Mary-Sue Elimination Society is, stick that phrase in google and look us up. We come up in the first three or so hits. *grins*

If you don't care, here's your warning: This is completely crack. It is also critizing (only a little bit) the Holmes/Watson relationship. Now, I'm not specifically pointing any story out, I'm just setting my opnion out and sticking it in a joke, as well.

If you do know what the ACMSES is, welcome. This'll make the most sense to you. This is a season two fic that for once, isn't angsty. Crack is needed.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Sherlock Holmes books, the 2009 movie, or most of the characters mentioned. Just Rhia and Roxelana. (Oh, and kudos to Telcontar Rulz for giving me Roxelana's name.)

Without further ado.....

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Insert Victorian Age Slash Here

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In the second of three kitchens in the Library Arcanium, two agents were well on their way to getting so hyper, they could bounce to the moon if they wanted. The dregs of a mocha espresso sat next to a still-warm percolator, and an empty 20 oz. bottle of coke lay on its side in the sink.

The two agents had long ago left coherency behind and were well into the taunt-and-giggle stage. Or just the plain 'giggles' stage.

"Miri! The ribs are--! Eee! Off limits!" Rhia jumped away and clutched at her ribs. She couldn't help the stray snorts that escaped her. It _tickled_.

Miri crossed her arms and glared half-heartedly. "It's your fault for trying to tickle me in the first place."

Rhia pursed her lips. "Well then, I'll just have to finish what I started. I'm sure I have a feather duster around here somewhere."

"Feather duster?"

"Uh-huh."

Miri ran for it. Rhia was after her like a shot. Even though there were only two of them, they made their way through the hallways like a herd of elephants. Agents moved to hug the walls or were run over, only to cough on the dust cloud created by Miri and Rhia's passing.

"C'mon, Miri, it's only a feather duster! Rhia yelled as she brandished said tool over her head.

"I don't care!"

Alice and Louise took one look at the two as they ran by, and decided to join in. Now, Alice and Louise were the faster runners (the flying tackle glomps did do something for their average speed) and they quickly caught up to Miri and Rhia. The two groups collided and turned into one large mass of squeaks and squeals.

"Eeep!"

"Naaah!"

"Eeek!"

"Ah!"

The mass tumbled past Cristoph, who took one look and promptly turned around. He did _not_ want to know.

* * *

Tash, Hati, and Claire were sitting on a sofa in one of the many lounges in the Library. Each of them had had a long day in keeping the paperwork population down. Claire had about dozed off against Hati's shoulder when Tash felt a small rumble reverberate through her. She dismissed it as a Fourth Wall breakage until she realized it was getting stronger, and louder.

"Hati, do you feel that?"

"Feel what?"

"That rumbling."

"No….wait. That shaking that's getting stronger?"

"Yeah."

Hati looked up, and saw_ it_. "Oh dear God."

The mass _plowed_ into the sofa, knocking it over and dumping all seven of them onto the floor.

The mass had finally stopped, tangled in a mess of limbs on the floor. Poor Tash, Claire and Hati were completely dazed.

"Miri!"

"What?"

"Your hair ate my feather duster!"

"It did?"

"Uh-huh." Rhia sounded somewhat put out. Alice started to snicker. Louise's shoulders started to shake. Before any of them knew it, they were all laughing.

Michael came in to a large group of seven girls laughing for absolutely no reason. He leaned over them. "Are you ok?"

They only laughed harder.

Michael was nonplussed, completely used to this happening at least once a month. "Hey, Rhia, you in there?

"Yeah. How'd you find me?"

"Only had to follow the path of dazed agents and dust in the air." He jerked his thumb over his shoulder.

"Really?" Rhia craned her neck in the direction they had come from, and sure enough, dazed agents stumbled around, trying to figure out exactly what had flew by them. She grinned. "Cool!"

"Mission for you. There's a Sue in the Sherlock Holmes 2009 movie 'verse. Low level, but she's clever. She's gotten Watson to break it off with Mary, whatever that means to you." Michael shrugged. He didn't know all that much about the Sherlock Holmes movie, or the books.

"Really." Rhia's eyes narrowed. "Well then." She stood up and dusted herself off. "C'mon, Miri!"

Miri was dragged bodily from the dog pile. "Why me?"

"Because your hair ate my feather duster!"

"Is that it?"

"Yeap!"

* * *

It was 1891, just after the Blackwood case. Watson had moved out of Baker Street, but had not yet tied the knot with Mary. It was odd. He had been anxious to get out of lodgings with Sherlock Holmes, but now that he was out, he was having second thoughts. One would think after a month he would have made up his mind.

Nearly a week after Watson had moved out, an eighteen year old girl had moved in, claiming that she had been kidnapped, was unable to get home, and wanted to find out who her kidnappers were. And, until she was able to get home, she was willing to work as a maid. Both Mrs. Hudson and Holmes agreed.

It was the most intriguing case he had had since Blackwood, and it was sure to keep his mind of the encroaching ennui and Watson.

Watson…

Her name was Roxelana Ambrosia Aurelius Terelli, and she was here to make a few tweaks. Nothing too big, just some changes in some inter-personal relationships.

Roxelana smirked. The Fourth Wall shivered.

* * *

"I am Sherlock Holmes, and this is my associate, Doctor Watson. Let me assure you that any difficulties you may have will be kept in complete confidence." Holmes settled down into his armchair and threaded his fingers together.

Rhia began. "Well, you see…we're looking for someone. But we're not quite sure what she looks like or what her name is."

"Then how, exactly, do you expect me to help you?"

"We do know that she has been here." Miri broke in. "Recently. Has any young girl, about in her late teens, besides us come here for your advice?"

Watson stood up and put his hands on Holmes' shoulders. "Yes, there has been. What do you want with Roxelana?"

"Oh! So she's here then. And she's got you on a first name basis. She's fast." Rhia's grin was predatory.

"Who are you?" Watson asked, uneasy from the look in Rhia's eyes.

"We just have some business with 'Roxelana'." Miri shrugged. She reached down into her handbag where she kept the Prohibitor and some Copyrights. Both Holmes and Watson tensed, expecting a gun.

Suddenly, a knock sounded on the sitting room door. "Holmes. I have your—!" The maid stopped short and dropped the tea tray, spilling tea everywhere and shattering the pot.

It was her. Roxelana. Her hair was raven's wing black, matching obsidian dark eyes; her skin was nearly alabaster pale, and was completely flawless.

Roxelana's eyes narrowed at the two agents in a glare, but then she promptly turned around and fled.

"You! Stop! In the name of the Society, you are under arrest!" Miri yelled.

"After her!" Rhia said as she sped out the door after the Sue.

Roxelana dashed down the stairs, not once losing her footing. Rhia and Miri, on the other hand, nearly tumbled down the stairs in their haste.

Miri and Rhia chased Roxlana past the front door and into the kitchen, where they cornered her by the kitchen table. "Oh, so this is who they send after me. Two pathetic girls who can't even catch one sue. Seems standards have dropped since Willowe invaded." Roxelana sneered. "I've heard of you, Agent Rhia, the agent who can't _stand_ slash, and can only tolerate it if it's canon."

"Miri, give me the Prohibitor." Rhia's voice brooked no argument. "This one's mine."

Rhia stalked up to the Sue. The Sue was cornered between a wall, the table, Rhia, and Miri. However, that didn't mean the Sue wouldn't give up without a fight. Rhia leapt, and they both fell down to the floor with a thud.

There was a scuffle, and a dust cloud formed that Miri couldn't see through. There were some grunts, a yelp of pain, and then screech of indignation. Roxelana shot out of the dust cloud and back up the stairs before Miri could grab her. Rhia sat on the floor of the kitchen, a blush rising on her face.

"Rhia, are you ok?"

"That-that- she felt me up! And she enjoyed it!" Rhia was incensed. "She's a slasher sue. Oh, this isn't going to be fun." She groaned.

"She ran back up the stairs! C'mon!" Miri grabbed Rhia's hand and for once was the one dragging her around. They wrenched open the door to the sitting room and were completely shocked by the sight inside. The Sue had pulled out her final weapon.

Holmes was wrapped in Watson's arms, their lips locked together in one very passionate kiss.

Miri and Rhia immediately started twitching. Roxelana giggled from her hiding place behind Holmes and Watson, patted Watson on the head—who probably didn't even notice—and opened the window.

Rhia shook her head and raced towards the Sue. Too late, Roxelana had slipped out the window and was dangling over a plot hole. "I'll see you next time, Agent Rhia!" She giggled again, blew Rhia a kiss, and fell into the plot hole.

Rhia shivered, completely disgusted.

Holmes and Watson were _still_ kissing each other, but it had moved from a long passionate kiss to small nips up and down each other's necks.

Rhia started twitching again. "Miri, for my sanity, _please_, slap a Copyright on those two."

Miri smirked, pulled two Copyrights out of her bag, and whacked them onto Holmes and Watson's backs. The two blinked, realized what they were doing, and shot apart like repelling magnets.

"Don't worry; you'll forget everything that happened as soon as we leave." Miri still had that smirk on her face.

* * *

Rhia and Miri arrived back at the Library, bearing the bad news that yet another Sue was on the loose.

"What's worse is that this Sue is a slasher Sue. She's completely willing to screw up canon pairings and stick people together that would normally never even think about getting together." Rhia sighed. "It didn't help that the relationship between Holmes and Watson was so close that it was easy to pair them together."

"You think she'll make another appearance sometime soon?" Tash asked.

"Yeah. She was only about level four in this fandom, so she's gonna want to get stronger as soon as she can."

"Right." Tash crossed her arms, and attempted to place some sort of authority on her face. It didn't work. "Well, you know what this means."

"Paperwork?"

"Paperwork."

"Awwwww…" Rhia whined.

"If you don't do it now, it'll just breed and multiply and then you'll really have to do it."

"Yeah, yeah, I know."

Five minutes later…

_"Oh my God, when did the paperwork grow legs?"_

* * *

*snerk* That's my attempt at crack. Good, bad, so-so?

Hint/spoiler alert: Roxelana will be making a VERY big appearance in the next fic, which will be in the Kick A** famdom. Warning: Next fic will be extremely angsty.

All right, what did you think?

Read, review, multiply by 42?


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